move, bitch
Two parents with untreated shopping addictions, two kids and an eternal love affair with Besta cabinets fight for space in Stuytown
She called to breathlessly tell me that they were moving from a 2 bedroom to a 3 and that she wanted “to change”. I didn’t know from what until I saw her Imelda Marcos shoe collection and 2,578 t-shirts. After the purge she STILL held steadfast to exactly 57 pairs of jeans. “They’re all different!”
This mom jumped on an opportunity to move a few hundred feet away from a “classic” (read cramped) 2 bedroom with a sad, tiny living room, 2 squished bedrooms and a complete shitton of stuff to a much larger 3 bedroom renovated space. She had enough to fill a five bedroom apartment, mostly with shoes, clothes, bottles of wine and sunscreen.
“What do I do?!?”
Pay movers to pack 68 tons of crap, schlep it to the new place, spend 9 months unpacking it and fight with your husband about where to put it all, or filter & purge now, with me and we’ll set it up and style it starting on moving day. We rolled up our sleeves together for the single most challenging job I’ve worked on so far.
Her luxury handbags and permed eyelashes didn’t augur an easy partnership between us. I wanted her to sell 90% of the bags, take up cooking and go axe-throwing with me - none of which happened. As it turned out, we had enough in common including raunchy senses of humor, potty mouths and pitbull temperaments to get us through the move in determined lockstep.
entering apartment 1
Smothered by outerwear and menaced by scarves, I asked why there were so many Uggs and coyote-trimmed parkas all over the place in July. “Ummmmm….?” We packed up winter gear and put it away in the basement storage space. We left only what they needed to get through the summer and fall.
before
after
Where are all the balls that were on the shelves?…there was a storage bench in the front room that was filled with…I really don’t remember what was in there but I moved it or got rid of it. She was able to handle this edit without having a stroke. Yes, 2 kids, not five.
the living room in apartment 1
I wasn’t worried about the utter hideousness of her furniture nor the cramped layout. The new living room would have a brand new Room and Board velvet sectional sofa and more space. My job was to make this room comfortable for the summer until moving day.
To my chagrin, the low-level-mafia-wife storage ottoman not only went to the new apartment, but REMAINED for months while they picked out a live edge slab of wood and accompanying legs for a coffee table at a glacial pace. I’m happy to report that the ottoman is finally gone.
before
after
depressing
reverse angle depressing
I thought the room would have benefitted even in the short term by tossing at least ONE of the side tables (and sacrificing the ottoman to the Gods in a big bonfire), but…I don’t win every battle.
after
toy storage in apt 1
I took hundreds of figurines, outdoor toys and other plastic, irregularly shaped bits and pieces and put them into a bureau that was filled with junk and crammed behind the daughter’s bed. Now, not only could the kids easily get to their stuff (and just as easily put it away) the entire unit was ready to be simply taped up and moved to its new location.
before
after
the hall closets in apt 1
I can’t remember what I pulled out of here but I can tell you that Mom referred to the before version as “the kids’ closet”. Sorry? I don’t see any kids’ stuff — unless your daughter is carrying an orange MiuMiu clutch to preschool? Mom’s extensive blazer collection, which we reduced by about half, was living in here shoved behind a ladder. She didn’t wear the clothes and no one dared dig in to get at anything else. I prepared it for the movers to throw into a wardrobe box.
before
after
The hall linen closet pictured below was an exhilarating mix of towels, water, pasta sauce, hair dye, sunscreen, bandaids, beer and wine. I learned that tampons from Israel are “the best”. Who knew?
before
in progress…
after
after
master bedroom in apt 1
I took this photo of the closet next to her side of the bed after digging out about 40% of its contents. It looks like a moderately messy closet. Remember that hole in the basement wall in The Amityville Horror that led straight to Hell? This closet had a hole to Bloomingdale’s. But more like a time hole. Because it included every cashmere sweater she’d ever owned. Ever. Like since 8th grade. And her grandmother’s hand-me-downs. And a VAST collection of 80s shoes someone gave her that she never wore. And a cleopatra costume. And about 18 sets of pajamas. And so, so, so much more.
shoes!
shoes!
after
She tried on EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF CLOTHING. AAAAAALLLLL of the Ed Hardy jeans purchased at malls in Israel had to go. Anything that looked like it came from Marshall’s, bye! All I had to do was tell her she looked fat in something and it would go into the donate bag. (Give me a break with politics, feminism or body positivity - I have 40” hips and I’m not much taller than a toadstool so, simmer down. On her, it worked.)
She did a bang-up job and was really proud of herself.
An inch outside the closet was the mess below. The After was, if not minimal or beautiful, packable.
before
after
the kitchen in apartment 1
The kitchen was the smallest room excepting the bathroom. It had shoes in it. It was just…covered. Thousands and thousands of objects were in it and on it and stuck to its walls. And one of the first things I had been told was: “I don’t cook.”
So we had a lot of work to do….
before
wellies?
why?
I mean, she doesn’t cook, so…I guess it makes sense? Why store cooking equipment if you don’t cook? And if you don’t store things in your cabinets, why grant yourself access to them?
I emptied the cabinet and put the can inside. There was enough clearance for the top to flip up. The solution is the kind of thing that makes my clients anxious initially. This kind of problem makes ME anxious until I fix it.
before
after
before
after
after, after, after….
Moving Day
You can lead a horse to water, but….the ottoman, the glider, the ugliest armchair I’ve ever seen, the side tables…they all came to the new place despite my insistence they didn’t. I ignored them and dispatched the important furniture and boxes. Rome wasn’t built on moving day. But the space is great, right? Big, bright. Time for a change.
The new sofa arrived and so did a new velvet armchair, side tables, a rug (grandma’s), the awful things from the past made their way out and we sallied forth...I couldn’t talk her out of animal print and that…pelt I refused to style. Again, baby steps…
kids’ room
apt 2
apt 1
Lofting her son took a LOT of cajoling over 2 or 3 drinks. Mom found a Room and Board Moda loft bed secondhand for 1K (full retail is around 3K) on Craigslist. With it, the kids feel a sense of separation and privacy but still have a shared area. (A Sharea?) The underbed desk is really the best feature of the room. Bro loves math and can now do his homework and Lego construction in relative peace.
office space
apt 1
apt 2
putting it all together
I lost a lot of small battles, especially over repeated use of Ikea Besta cabinets which the husband has a very special relationship with. Over time, we work together on final details like rugs and paint. As new things begin to encroach on the space, I come regularly with a wagging finger to get it under control.
